WASTED
by tanx
Summary: This is just a short fic about when the HP characters get drunk . . .very drunk . . .for the first time. Hilarious results and some weird-ass love triangles. Oh and don’t forget Malfoy’s lap dance for Ronny! (They’re drunk, not gay. Lol.)Please read
1. Chapter 1

WASTED - By Tanx  
  
This is just a short fic about when the HP characters get drunk . . .very drunk . . .for the first time. Hilarious results and some weird-ass love triangles. Oh and don't forget Malfoy's lap dance for Ronny! (They're drunk, not gay. Lol.)  
  
'Where are we going again, Malfoy? I think you forgot to tell us that minor detail!' Said Hermione Granger, biting her short fingernails in anticipation.  
  
'That's for me to know and you to . . .oh to hell with that. I'm getting you all wasted! Shouted Draco, laughing with glee.  
  
'Oh no you're not! Exams are in a week, I don't know why I even agreed to this!' Hermione yelled back at him.  
  
'This is exactly why I dragged you guys here. You're all so fucking uptight and you need to get fucking wasted and lose fucking control.'  
  
'Well I'm all for losing fucking control.' Said Ron anxiously, taking a little skip.  
  
'Here we are. The Leaky Cauldron exit.'  
  
'Uh . . .Malfoy, sweetie. Why are we at the exit? Shouldn't we be at . . .the entrance?' Said Ginny Weasley, scratching her chin.  
  
'No love. We're going to a MUGGLE bar! Woot!' Malfoy did a little skip in the air. 'That way we can get completely and utterly off our faces and no'one will know the hell we are!'  
  
'Let's just drink butterbeer. It's so lovely on a cold night don't you agree? Harry? You agree, don't you?! Harry!' Hermione pulled on Harry's arm in disgust.  
  
'Hell with that idea. I'm with Malfoy on this one!'  
  
The five 16 year old's entered the dark muggle world.  
  
'Hmm . . .anyone know what 'CD's' are? Or 'compu . . .computters?! Why would anybody want to spend that strange amount of money on a great grey box?' Said Ron, without the slightest idea what was going on.  
  
'Never mind those. I have my eye on that place, beside it.' Said Malfoy, pointing at a modern, dark building.  
  
'Little Fishy club for 18's and over.' What on earth is a "little fishy" when it's at home?' asked Ginny.  
  
'It's just club name. I'm more worried about how we can get in. . .' Said Malfoy.  
  
Simultaneously, everybody's heads turned to Hermione.  
  
'Oh no. No no no! I am NOT gonna . . .'  
  
*Half an hour later*  
  
Hermione was seen in the distance, puffing, carrying three small bottles and a packet of white cards.  
  
'Got 'em.' She shouted from far away.  
  
'Here.' She said when she arrived where the group had remained while she was away. 'Three ageing potions. Each one has enough for two people. I couldn't sneak enough bottles from Snape's office so I had to get em' from the kitchens.'  
  
'So THAT'S what took you so long!' Said Ginny, anxiously.  
  
'Well if you don't want them that's fine with me! I'll juts go put them in that huge grey thing over there holding garbage.'  
  
'It's called a bin, Hermione.'  
  
'I know that! I only said that coz' that is what YOU called it when you first saw it!'  
  
Ginny shut up.  
  
'Now. As I was saaaaaying . . .three over-sized ageing potions and five ID cards, courtesy of the wonderful Fred and George.(Ron glowed with pride.) 'Oh yes Ron, I'm afraid there weren't any people to choose from with red hair, but I did find you this . . .'  
  
She handed Ron the card and Ron's eyes bulged and he screamed.  
  
'That's my father when he was a boy! I refuse to have thi . . .'  
  
'That's all I could get. It's the only photo I could find on such short notice!'  
  
Ron took the card and scowled some more.  
  
*Half an hour later*  
  
'She won't accept my money! Is there something wrong with it?!' Said Ginny anxiously.  
  
'Oh my god. That's because you have to give her muggle money you stupid dill.' (Ginny looked outraged.) 'I'll get them!' Malfoy heaved himself from the square table in the cubicle they'd asked for.  
  
Malfoy approached the desk and placed his order. Then he did something very strange. He took the assistant's hand in his and started stroking it.  
  
'Oh god. He's trying that line on her.'  
  
'What line? Said Harry, ogling at Ginny.  
  
'The one he tried on me a year ago. He takes your hand, strokes it gently and says 'Where I come from, this is how we have sex.'  
  
'Ack!' Said Hermione, rolling her eyes.  
  
Malfoy arrived at the table slipping a white notice with numbers on it into his jean pocket. He was also holding a tray on his right hand, which held about twenty small glasses with clear liquid inside them.  
  
'I thought the whole point of this was that we got drunk, not had to piss all night.' Said Ron, laughing.  
  
'Yeah I didn't ask for water. God, Draco is that all you could afford? And look how small the amounts are!'  
  
Draco nearly dropped the tray he was laughing so hard.  
  
'No you asses, this is vodka!'  
  
'OOOOOOOOH' Said everyone, except for Hermione, who was coming back from outside.  
  
'Sorry guys just needed some air. It's bloody boiling in here! Oh water, great!' She said, grabbing a small glass.  
  
She tossed one down her throat.  
  
'Weird muggle water.'  
  
She shrugged her shoulders and tossed another.  
  
Then another.  
  
And four more.  
  
* * * A/N - OMG! HAHAHA! I can't wait to write the next chappie. I promise in the next one you will see horrible drunk antics and that ever so special lap dance you've been looking forward to! Review!  
  
Love,  
  
TanX  
  
PS: How do you get Hermione drunk? Serve her vodka and say it's water! 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: SO not mine. Characters that is. Actually everything here you don't recognise would be my great creative spawn. Lol. Except for that wonderful Bridget Jones inspired moment, but you'll hear more about that at the end!  
  
Reviewers:  
  
Sean-Astins-Baby - Thanks heaps for your review. I know I can't wait to write it!! Lol. But I'm afraid that for 'let's not publically humiliate Tanx in front of all her fans' reasons, it won't actually be all you expect. Sorry!!!  
  
Fawkesrises - I know! I think there's just this sort of misconception that they're all frigid morons and some alcohol in their systems would do some good haha. And the misconception would be . . .oh so right! Lol.  
  
WASTED - Chapter 2  
  
The following events take place 2 hours after Hermione drunk that load of liquor.  
  
'CAN'T LIIIIIIIIIIIIVE LIVIN' IS WIFOUT YOOOOOOOU. CAN'T GEEEEEEEEEVE!!!!!! CAN'T GEEEVE ANY MOOOOOOOOH!!!!!!!!!!' Screamed Hermione, very off pitch, at the top of her lungs. She was lunged on the table, pointing her finger towards Harry, holding a bottle of beer in her right hand as a microphone.  
  
'BRAVO! BRAVOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Oh god I gotta piss.' Said Harry momentarily, then he ran off to the bathroom, unzipping his pants as he went.  
  
'An den Arry said 'Nah I ain the one wif de big ugly trousers! AHAHAHAHA! Elephant!!!!' Ron Weasley was off his face.  
  
So was everybody else.  
  
'But Roooooooooon (A/N: God Hermione's even articulate when she's frickin' drunk!!) You ever actually kissed a girl? You know . . .on the lips?' *Giggle giggle* .Said Hermione, very very slowly. She was having trouble keeping her head up and off the near-flooded (with alcohol) table, now that she had gotten down.  
  
'I miduv. I don no . . .ave' you? AHAHAHA Mione kissed a girlie! AHAHAHAHA!'  
  
'You're all a bunch of fuckwits.' Said Malfoy, sculling another Bourbon and Whisky on the rocks.  
  
'I looooove you Draaaaaaaaaa . . .' Was all Ginny could manage. Her eyes closed and she keeled over backwards.  
  
'Alright kids, I think that's about enough for tonight.' Said a burly bartender, picking Ginny up off the floor.  
  
'NOOOOOOOO!!!!' Said everyone simultaneously.  
  
'Half an hour more. But NO MORE DRINKS. NO DRINKS.' Repeated the bartender.  
  
'K . . .K . . .kaaay.' Said Hermione lolling her head sideways to look at him with her bloodshot eyes.  
  
'Umm . . .umm . . .where's Arry?' Said Ron, finishing the last drop out of Malfoy's deadly liquer drink.  
  
'OY GET YER FUCKIN' ANDS OFF!'Ron shouted at Ron in his overly-drunk state. (A/N: Malfoy is a drunk swearer . . .*enter daydream state* he just gets hotter by the minute, don't he?!)  
  
'H . . .HARRY?! HARRY?!!!' Screamed Hermione. 'COME OUT COME OUT WHEREVER YOU AM . . .ARE . . .'  
  
Harry emerged from the bathroom groaning.  
  
'Errr . . .I'm siiiick!!! I just . . .err . . .' He continued to moan and groan until he did a Ginny and keeled over the back of the table just as he had sat down on it.  
  
'Oh! Harry's wet his pants! AHAHAHA!!!' Belted Ron, looking at the place on Harry's pants where he had sat on the wet table before he keeled.  
  
'Malfoooooy . . .you promised me a lap-dance!!!!!! I WANT MY LAPDANCE!!!!' Screamed Ron hysterically, pulling on Malfoy's arm.  
  
'FIIIIIINE! Come wiv me an I'll . . .*Cue snoring noises.*  
  
'AHAHAHAHA! AMFLOY . . .MALFLOY . . .FALFMOY . . .AWWW . . .DRACO'S A- SNORING!!!! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!' Belted Ron, once again at the top of his lungs.  
  
'Rooooooon!!! You took my swizzle stiiiick!!!' Nagged Hermione.  
  
'AHAHAHAHA! Swizzel stick.' Said Ron, now completely and uttery stupefied. So instead of saying anything more, he simply sat there with that stupid grin on his face for a while. (A/N: You know when someone's like unconscious but they're awake . . .like sort of a drunk trance? It's that.)  
  
'Aww . . .Said Hermione, anxiously. She looked around herself and saw Harry lying struggling on the floor, Ginny with her head rested on the table sleeping, Ron in a trance and Malfoy snoring.  
  
'Awww . . .' She repeated. 'WAKE UP TIME!!!!!' She screamed.  
  
'AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!' Screamed Harry, his hands covering his ears. He then went back to struggling on the floor in some weird fit thingy . . .i dunno don't ask me I'm just the narrator! Lol.  
  
'Mhahaha . . .awww Malfoy. You gooooood dance . . .ehehe . . .aha . . .*loud snore.*' Ron was sleep/trance talking. Hermione didn't know what about . . .actually she didn't want to know.  
  
'Ron you're silly . . .awwww . . .' She put her head down on the table and went straight to sleep, with her hair in a mixture of vodka, rum and who knows what else.  
  
* * *  
  
A/N - 'AHAHA!' Isn't Ron's laugh annoying?! Geez!  
  
Please r&r please please! I promise I'll write you in my story like I did wif those two at the top. PROMISSSSSSSSE!!!!  
  
Love,  
  
TanX  
  
Ps: Next chapter - THE AFTERMATH! MOOHOOHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! (Features 5 throbbing headaches, a whole lot of running off to the toilet, a 'how did we end up in a vacuum cleaner store-room?!' moment, and many other stupid, unnecessary but laugh your fucking head off moments.  
  
Btw pps: Thanks to Bridget Jones for that inspiring 'Can't live with out you' rendition moment. Very suited don't you think? Let's give a clap to my idol Bridget. Ooooh she's cool. 


End file.
